A balanced and judiciously considered article debating the merits and dismerits of why all people on bikes are gaylords

Right, today I am moaning about bikes. All bikes, push bikes, pedal bikes, big, bikes, little bikes, mountain bikes, speed bikes, motor bikes, scooters, mopeds, harleys and choppers. They have one uniting theme. They get in the way and they are very irritating.

Walking down the road there are constant pedal bikes on the pavement swooshing past you or locked up to a lamppost. On the road there are pedal bikes in the road pootling along or motor bikes weaving through traffic making stupid loud noises. On the train there are bikes parked in the doors and getting in the way.

I hate bikes and I hate people who use bikes. Get out of the way.

Now I wouldn’t have a problem with bikes if it wasn’t for the people with the bikes without fail always being inconsiderate tossers. If you could just cycle it down the side of the road, not slowly and in the middle or on the pavement. Get a motor bike with a quiet engine and don’t insist on riding around like a cock and making a huge amount of noise at the weekend on your Kawasaki BJ5000 or whatever. And don’t rev your shitty little mini bike outside my flat, go and do that on your dirty Council estate, not in my nice tree lined cul-de-sac. And no you can’t put your bike on the train as equally as I don’t try to take a lawnmower on the train. Sure it would be nice to have it with me but its rather big and gets in everyones way. Trains are for people, you either cycle or catch the train, not both, if you don’t like that get a car. And next time you squeeze in front of me in traffic you know I might just not brake to avoid you as per usual and try and tip the bike from under you.

Right, rant over. And I don’t want any dirty pro-bike comments or anything that otherwise undermines me being 100% right about this.